he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
