I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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