Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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