sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
