there's paper in my vomit.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
