I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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