The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
