i will never coherently bang her
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I would fuck him just for his dog
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
