I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
