Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
