ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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