Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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