Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
