i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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