I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
