I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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