I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
