Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
