I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
