At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
