I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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