the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
