did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
