im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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