I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
