I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
