just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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