so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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