happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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