FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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