yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
