Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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