he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
