i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
