mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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