He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
