i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
