My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
