oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
