no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
