I can text with my tongue
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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