I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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