If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
