She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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