also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
