I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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