Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
