I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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