So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
