corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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