Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
