I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
