i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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