i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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