i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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