Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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