I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
