So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
