how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
