I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
