i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Shame - the story of my life.
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