Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
