i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize