they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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